My inner world

I feel that I have grown up a two different character in side me. what a level I try to merge it, it's being stronger. In one of them I am very strong who have no sensible feeling and very hard hearted but another one I am very sensible one resulting I always broke out of tears during any work, event which even touch my feeling either movie, books, leaser hour. I want to overcome it but don't know how. will anyone help me to distribute my full of emotion with my another personality. Why I broke up to tears. Is it due to some guilty conscious in myself. on a feeling of lacking some thing, I am showing always that I am emotionally strong with no tear in my eyes then why I failed during movies, reading a emotional book or even listening song in alone will my unconscious mind need some thing which suppress by my conscious one, who reject any emotional attachment or a fear. In crude way fear of rejection is so much high in me that I want to supersede anyone character and then get along them to elevate up to the level that they should be better than me or simply i am on no 1 and not on no 2. Is my fear is so much high that I can't be able to acceptance even on micro level, why I always when ever choose , chose it on rejection level. A slight sense of acceptance is taken me in defensive mode and put strong wall between two of us up to that the another side reject me on his acceptance level. Is I am going to emotional breakdown or any thing else can haappen with me./

Reading two states - personal feeling

Being celebrate my first valentine day with some thing special which I like most at a place which give me a very much awesome feeling. When I plan to read this novel, I don't know that it happens to be so much fantastic way.
A meeting with Krish and ananya on previous night of valentine day and then stay with them in a whole day with a site full of colour and on a running train.
I don't know which stole my heart, a colourful sight, chetan bhagat writing on linking krish and ananya with my heart, or a day or running train or so on...........
But it fully take on me. Thanks to chetan again thanks to all of You who insisted that I should pen down my feeling so that it will improve better with the help you all.
Why You read a book. A big question. Apart from course material, is any thing written in paper will be force you to accept or read it. Certainly not. Reading a book is a very big sense. It's matter how, why, when you come in contact with a book, or fall in love with book. If written word/book make a big dream relate on your line of thinking, you like it most. Reading and liking a book is extension of your thinking process, where authors have advanced view, grooming a new site for you, or unveiled new site in front of you, taking a morning walk with you initially then started to rest with you at a point at which you reach then proceed further ahead of you, mind to think, beyond your boundary, and you realise that you also think along this line.
Result you love the book or you love the writer or in fact you accept yourself or wanted to be accepted. A book which hit your inner world which control your feeling is a book which is the most liked by you. Going to reading a book on a line to show someone follow someone will lit your mind but not your heart and finally you are more in mind but less in your heart.
Reading a word is only a feeling and it depends on several condition which is subjective rather than objective to how it work on yourself, otherwise all are course book. Each one have different feeling, way of thinking, so it is on broader sense that it relates with you. In micro terms your unconscious mind searching answer of a question, which in conscious mind you can't think about it or doesn't want to notice by other person. if it not happens then you only read a book but not relate it to yourself, So, I understand why one book is very good for someone and plain for another.

bus ek bar ruko

mere paas tumhe dene ke liye kuch bhi nahi hai
ko bhav nahi na hi koi swapan
bus ek samarpan hai, ek ahsas
main khush hoon ki tum aayee
mera man tumhare swagat ke liye bekarar hai
per mera yeh bhavheen chehra
mujhe rok raha hai
mujhse kah raha hai
tum mere liye nahi ho
nahi main galat hoon
main tere liye nahi hoon
main jitna tumhare liye aage aaoonga
tum utni hi door chali jaoogi
kya yah satya hai
shayad nahi athwa haan
lekin mera dar
usne mere dil ko daba rakaha hai
main apne anterdwand mein chupchap khada
kewal apne aap se lad raha hoon
aur tum mere samne se ja rahi ho
main kahna chah raha hoon ki rooko
bus ek bar ruko
sirf mere liye
ya ek anjane ke liye
per main shayad nahi kah pa raha hoon
tumhe khone ka dar mere uper havi hai
aur tum mere paas se ja rahi ho

maine aaj ek sapna dekha hai

maine tumhare saath ek sapna dekha hai
sapne mein tum hi tum chhai hui ho
mere charo taraf mere andar mere bahar
maine apna astitva hi kho diya hai
ya tumne mujhe apne mein mila liya hai
maine sapne mein ek jeevan dekha hai
is jeevan mein maine sari khushiya dekhi hai
maine aaj ek sapna dekha hai

sapna

mera koi sapna hi nahi hai
ya maine sapna dekhna hi chod diya hai
mujhe apne aap se koi ummeed nahi hai
ya maine ummeed karni chod di hai
meri koi pasand hi nahi hai
ya maine khud ko napasand karna shuru kar diya hai
bahar ki duniya mujhe raas nahi aati ha
mere andar sab kuch toota hooaa hai
main apni tootan kisse kahoon
tumse kahte hue main darta hoon
aur doosro ko main samjha nahi sakta
tum hi merei aasha ho
ummeed ki aakhiri kiran ho
tum hi woh ho
jo meri tootan ko samet sakti hai
is bikhre hue birene ko sametkar
ek khubsurat sa gulshan bana sakti ho
par kya main tumhe yah samjha paoonga
shaayad nahi lekin kyon
shaayad mere andar ek dar hai
yadi tum na samajh saki
ya tumne is bikhre hue gulshan ko jodne se inkar kar diya
shaayad tab main vilin ho jaaoon bikhar jaoon
apne tootan ke andar ya bahar
shayaad tumhere liye ek sadharan si na ho
per mere liye to yah ek bikhrav hai
apne ummeedo ke bikherne ki
aashaaoo ke tootne ki
shayad main isliye tumhe kahne se darta hoon
shyad main khue ke bikherne se nahi darta
per ummeddon ki akhiri kiran ke doobne se darta hoon

haan main tumse milna chahta hoon

main tumse milna chahta hoon
milke main tumse kuch kahna chahta hoon
tumse milne ke liye nit naye bahane doondhta hoon
kabhi dost kabhi koi aur, main doosro ko doondhta hoon
main har bar chhipe hue ijhaar karta hoon
haa main tumse main milna chahta hoon
meri is bekrari ki koi seema nahi ha
meri is tadap ka koi ant nahi hai
phir bhi main tumse yah kahne se darta hoon
han main tumse milna chahta hoon
meri najar har jagah tumhe doondhti hai
mera man har bar kahta hai tum yaha aaogi
mera dil har bar mera saath chhodta hai
har jagah har pal woh tumhe doondhta hai
yaha tak ki ab main bhi badal raha hoon
andar se to tumhara tha
ab bahar se tum jaisa ho raha hoon
lekin phir bhi main tumse milna chahta hoon
tum mujhe roj milti ho mere sapno mein
tum mujhe is jaha mein kabhi na milna
haan mere sapno mein tum aati rahna
tumse milne ke baad shaayad main tumse aankh na mila sakoon
ya main itna khush ho jaoo ki main tumhe hi bhool jaaoo
mera sapna hakikat ban gaya aur main khud ko bhool jaaoo
yah sab tumhe shayad tumhe pasand aaye ya na aaye
isliye tum mujhse kabhi na milna
phir bhi main tumse milna chahta hoon
milke main tumse kuch kahna chahta hoon
haan main tumse milna chahta hoon

Main ek din usse mila
maine pooncha kya main tumhe pasand hoon
usne kaha yeh kaisa sawal hai
hamari tumhari is mulakat mein
pasand napasand kaha hai
maine to yeh socha hi nahi ki
tumhare bare mein mere khyalat kya hai
maine kaha phir milte hai
shaayad tab tum bata sako
main phir ek din usse mila
wahi purana apna sawal duhraya
kya main tumhe pasand hoon
usne kaha tum batao
maine kaha tum apni sunao
main apne khyalat is kagaz per likh deta hoon
phir dekhta hoon ki main kitna sahi hoon
usne kaha he mitra
ek sakha ke roop mein tum ati priye ho
lekin tum mere jeevansathi nahi ho
mera jeevansathi to kuch khaas hoga
aur woh khaas kam se kam tum nahi ho
phir usne mera jawab dekha
waha bus ek shabd likha tha 'nahi'
maine kaha chalo aaj ke party karte hai
main ek dost ko pane ki khushi manata hoon
aur apni parikhsa mein khud ke paas hone ko manana chahta hoon
usne kaha ki aur main
maine kaha he priye yah sawal hi ab bemani hai
bus ab aaj ki shaam kewal party manani hai
lekin main usse kah na saka
mere andar koi toot gaya
ek ahsaas, sapna sab khatam ho gaya
koi mere andar ko dabakar bahar khushi mana raha tha
mere andar koi dwand chal raha tha
koi kah raha tha ki tum kisi ke kabil nahi
tumne meri baat nahi mani
aur phir tumne dekh hi liya
tumhare liye andar ki duniya hi kafi hai
tumhe bahar ka ujala dekhne ki ijajat nahi hai
tumhari duniya kewal yeh tera andarman aur dil hai
bahar ki duniya mein tera koi moolya nahi hai
tum andar hi paradhin din hin raho
bahar ki duniya ko kewal mera hasta chehra hi dekhne do
jab bhi tum kabhi bahar aaooge
tumhe hardam isi tarah ki parajay hi milegi
aur main apne andar mein dooba hua yah soch raha
kab tak main apni icchaaoo tamannao ka daman karke
apne bahar ki duniya ko khush rakhoonga